Calm Down Dearest: Legless



Wowsers. Has it really been so long since I last penned an article of Calm Down Dearest?

Time certainly flies when you’re having fun, or sitting exams, or generally contemplating what to do in life. So much has happened since we last spoke that I barely know where to begin. I’m sure I could rant for hours about the broken society, my holiday excursions or the fact that even with the addition of my man crush Gary Barlow, X-Factor is still predictably shit. Alas, I’ve been prompted to whip out my quill in order to vent some frustration regarding today’s latest episode of stupidity.

I love and hate stupid people in equal measure. On the one hand, they provide me with a vast amount of humour for which I am eternally grateful. On the other, I’d much sooner put them to sleep than share my oxygen with them – it’s one of life’s constant dilemmas.

Today’s example of idiocy is actually quite tragic (that doesn’t mean we can’t laugh about it; just that we ought not to). There seems to have been an awful lot of media coverage lately surrounding shark attacks, both in the news and with the recent cinema release of Shark Night 3D (which I dare say, is toilet). Now I’m not a genius when it comes to sharks but generally speaking, I’d say I’ve got a pretty good grasp of how not to get killed by one:

· Don’t swim anywhere near one

· Don’t think it won’t happen to you

And lastly, my piece of advice from personal experience, for trying to stay safe around any type of wild animal including sharks:

· Don’t, under any circumstances, use one as a sexual aid.

If you follow those three simple steps, I will guarantee that you won’t be in harm’s way. The same however, cannot be said for a brain dead British expat swimming at the Fish Hoek beach in Cape Town who was attacked on Tuesday. Don’t get me wrong here, I want to sympathise with being attacked by a shark, I really do… but I just can’t. Only ninety minutes before the attack had spotters (hired specifically by the local council to spot sharks) seen a great white in the water – the beach was then closed and a shark flag was raised to indicate the presence of said shark. Now had this set of circumstances happened in a film and then some complete balloon decided to go for a swim, wouldn’t we all be willing a shark to come rip him to pieces? Well, it did. In fact reports suggest that he has had his entire right leg bitten off and his left leg severed below the knee, which to be fair, probably hurts a tad. He’s currently stable in hospital, so whilst I wish him a speedy recovery, I hope he can hear me tutting loudly in disbelief at just how stupid he is.

Despite the beach being closed, despite the shark warning flag being raised and despite being previously warned about the presence of sharks this pleb thought it wouldn’t happen to him. Well, more fool you and I for one would like to present you with this week’s main prize for being a massive stupid bell end. You sir, have won a trophy. Not just any trophy… this trophy:

You can find even more witticisms from Teddy every week in Calm Down Dearest, dig through the archive to get a taste.