Calm Down Dearest // Mother Nature Hates You


As if the current recession isn’t shitty enough, Mother Nature has decided to punish our crappy little country as well. Not wanting to drone on about the same issues that the newspapers have been boring us with over recent days… but it’s snowing. Like, it’s really fucking snowing, a lot! I hate Mother Nature, the big powerful slag.

It’s alright for all the school kids prancing around having snowball fights and making massive huge snow cocks in their front gardens… but generally the snow is a complete pain in the arse. The roads are chaos, people are miserable and I’m pretty sure they’ll be less Christmas presents come the end of the month seen as though all our grandparents will have died in this frosty snap.

I’m finding it very easy to get annoyed at the snow but it’s even easier to get annoyed at the idiots who persist on driving in it. My advice to pretty much all drivers would simply be, don’t. You probably don’t need to drive. Yes you’ve got a job… but funnily enough if you die a horrible snowy death you won’t need your job any more. Get out and walk you lazy sod, or better still just stay at home. The world’s hardly going to end because you can’t input a few numbers into a computer or get a few more sales in for the team. Arses – we’re in a recession anyway, so who cares? Perhaps all the nurses and doctors need to get to work though? Well actually no… not all of them, not if we’re all sensible and stay inside– away from circular saws and electrical wiring. If you really do have to go out driving in the snow, then for God’s sake, be prepared. Get a spade, a blanket, some dry clothes and some food and water just in case you get stuck. It might happen to you, so stop thinking it won’t. I’m already fed up of people getting stranded in the snow as they travelled to go Christmas shopping then having to be rescued. You’re idiots. You’re just as stupid as those silly twats who insisted sailing around the pirate capital of the world… only to get captured by pirates and imprisoned for a year. They deserved it for being stupid. And so would you. Fact.

I’ve pretty much come to the conclusion this week that I hate snow. And I hate people even more. I wish I’d never sold my ancient machine that used to slowly kill the Earth each time I turned it’s engine on. Thinking about it now I’d happily pay the excessive road tax for it’s outrageous fuel emissions so long as it hurries along the global warming. That way, they’ll be less snow, less people and I’ll generally be much happier. That or we start culling stupid people? We can start with anyone who’s on benefits, or currently stuck in the snow.

You can find even more witticisms from Teddy over at the Calm Down Dearest page on Facebook or Twitter. Just make sure you dash back over here every Wednesday, ok?