Calm Down Dearest // I’d Best Buy a Hat


Seen as the biggest names around the United Kingdom and indeed the world have sought to congratulate the countries newest married couple to be, I thought it was only appropriate for Calm Down Dearest to do the same. Congratulations Prince Williams and Kate Middleton! Now that the politeness is out of the way, can we be frank with each other? Good.

This Royal wedding doesn’t really excite me too much. In fact, it excites me about as much as finding a wasp’s nest in my boxer shorts when I next go for a wee. Don’t get me wrong, I can appreciate why people are getting excited – after all, it’s not every day that a Royal gets married, but then again we don’t actually know any of them do we? All we as public have to look forward to is a huge pot of cash spent on the big day, what with all the added security and the likes. Not only that, they’ll ruin the television for at least a week meaning I’ll have to tolerate some terribly extravagant service whilst all the normal people get married in a more aptly suited registry office. Oh, and let’s not forget the vast amount of memorabilia coins, newspapers and plates we’ll have to endure as they try and sell the whole thing to me like it’s a boost for Britain – it isn’t, I couldn’t give a toss. I don’t want to eat off a commemorative plate sporting Prince William’s face. Mind you, if it’s a plate sporting Kate Middleton alone then I might just fancy a quick nibble.

It’s especially pleasing to see how Kate has been dubbed as “Waity Katie” for the amount of time she’s waited for the Prince to pop the question. I’m pretty sure it hasn’t even been that long. The nicknames get worse though… I have just done a little sick in my own mouth reading that he allegedly calls her “Babykins”… and he’s the “Big Willie”. Haaa! An interesting fact I keep reading is that Kate Middleton is but a mere middle class girl, not someone of blue blood. She’s even been described as a commoner! Now, I do have a slight bone to pick with these claims. I mean I’d consider myself working class. I’m no pauper, but equally I’m by no means rich. Whereas Kate’s common routes come from her millionaire parents who live in a five bedroom detached house in Berkshire. Kate was also privately educated at a £15,000-a-year school. Me on the other hand, someone that I would actually consider as working class, I was brought up in a three bed semi detached sharing a room with my elder brother. I ate lots of spam sandwiches and mince. I went to a normal school, who’s only claim to fame was being a designated language college. I got an E in German – so clearly, of reputable standing. I’d also wager that her friends didn’t glue gun each other in their Design and Technology classes did they? I’ve still got a scar to prove it. Oh and I was brought up in a northern steel town which sported the big fat C word in its name – that’s working class.

So let’s lay off all this working class nonsense shall we? I’m not buying it. I do still wish them all the best though. Now that they’ve had best wishes passed on from Boris Johnson, Ed Miliband, the Prime Minister and Calm Down Dearest, what more could the happy couple ask for? Let’s just hope it lasts – historically these Royal weddings have a funny habit of going horribly wrong.

You can find even more witticisms from Teddy over at the Calm Down Dearest page on Facebook. Just make sure you dash back over here every Wednesday, ok?