Calm Down Dearest // Calendar Confusion

calm down cliff

It’s been a funny old week leading up to the latest ham-fisted article from Calm Down Dearest. I wouldn’t have thought much could shock me this week, not since I’ve been pretending that I can still drink like an 18 year old over the weekend and even more so because of the conversations I’ve had about a friend’s puppy who is apparently on heat – I never knew that (allegedly) when a bitch is on heat, their vulva’s swell up. That’s a lovely thought isn’t it? Nope, you’re right it isn’t – I threw up in my own mouth as well. Despite my juvenile antics at the weekend or my crude conversations I’ve still been left flabbergasted by this week’s events.

There’s no surprise that in the run up to Christmas people are going mad for next year’s Calendars. I remember being a child always wanting the latest football calendar or WWF edition. That was until I hit puberty and realised having men up on your bedroom wall is a bit, well, gay (not that my 24 year old housemate is aware mind, as he shows no shame in sporting his Arsenal one prominent display next to his bed). As I grew up I then started having a slightly better taste in calendars and even struck up a lucrative deal with a friend that each Christmas we’d buy each other the Hollyoak’s calendar…. that was until both of our girlfriends banned us from having them. So, have a guess at the hottest selling female calendar of the year? Well it doesn’t take a genius to figure that one out – Cheryl Cole. Second? Well that’s another easy one – Kylie Minogue. And, despite my girlfriend thinking that she’s a complete hound, I’m proud to announce that Pink comes in a respectable third place. Nothing too shocking about those calendar choices I’m sure you’ll agree.

The top five male calendars are a bit harder to fathom though. Understandably there’s JLS right there in the top five, alongside Justin Bieber and my man crush, Michael Bublé. So, with those three in mind are there any guesses whose calendar is the best selling calendar this year though? I’ll happily donate his calendar to you if you can…? I beg you to look away if you’re eating – I present to you, still alive (just)… Sir Cliff Richard!

Good God, that man is still alive and still terrorising show business 50 years later with his wrinkly old face. What’s worse than his wrinkly old face though, is his wrinkly, hairy, saggy old nipple. OAP porn!

I really had to sit down and ask myself who on earth is buying it? But then again… I have been really struggling to think of what to buy my mother. After all she has seen him live, twice and still fancies him to death. I might just buy her it so she can swoon over his OAP face. The sad old slag.

You can find even more witticisms from Teddy over at the Calm Down Dearest page on Facebook or Twitter. Just make sure you dash back over here every Wednesday, ok?