Calm Down Dearest // Nature Calls

It wasn’t so long ago that I shared with you my story of woe that ended in me almost smearing faeces down myself in order to save my beloved iPhone. Thankfully, I’m not writing this week’s article to tell you I’ve repeated the process. Nope, instead I sought to show you that I’m not in the minority when I share these strange stories with you.

My housemate kindly retold a story to me the other day in which his grandfather took the leading role. He, like myself had a minor phone and toilet issue. Although, in his fairness to him he’s an old aged pensioner and I’m simply old enough to know better. So there he stood, with his classic Nokia (purely because that’s all he can use) stood proudly in the top pocket of his cotton shirt. He stood, having a normal wee when he conducted the simplest of tasks – flushing the toilet. Now, because he’s a tall fellow he had to lean over slightly… and whoosh, out fell his phone from the top pocket of his shirt. With one foul plop, his phone dropped to its watery death just at the precise moment he hit the handle. With a gargle and a pop, the phone spiralled down the toilet and through the u-bend never to be seen again. The mental image of the poor old man flushing his phone down the toilet like a dirty log still has me creasing as I write this.

Alas, this minor loss and even my equally as minor poo incident pale in comparison to that of a man in China this week. He started off with the annoyance of dropping his phone down the crapper as he went for a number two… but it soon escalated into an epic fail. The daring Chinese fellow wasn’t content to see his list of contacts and prize of collection of apps swim away down the drain so he went all out for a full scale rescue – submerging his arm right down the bog. He was so committed in fact that his arm was submerged right up to his shoulder. Now that’s some commitment. As if having your phone, hand and entire arm covered in the murky waters of a u-bend wasn’t bad enough… the poor bastard got stuck! His hero’s had to smash open the entire bowl with a variety of hammers and crowbars. See, it happens to the best of us:

I’ve still not quite fathomed how he called for help yet… or why he even bothered. I’d have rather stayed with my arm wrapped around the u-bend until I died to save the embarrassment. So next time you get a call whilst nature calls, just leave your phone in your pocket. Or if you do drop it down the toilet, don’t try rescue it as you’ll only wedge your arm down the shitter. Plus, you’re phone will still be broken, you’re dignity will be lost forever and you’ll never be able to eat using that hand again.

You can find even more witticisms from Teddy over at the Calm Down Dearest page on Facebook. Just make sure you dash back over here every Wednesday, ok?