Calm Down Dearest // Made In China

It’s fair to say that this week hasn’t been one of my livelier of weeks. The pathetic showing England had to offer on Tuesday night was a low point and even the arrival of a brand spanking new and exciting 6.5 litre slow cooker has failed to set my world alight (just think of all the culinary delights I get to cook at home whilst being sat at my desk all day). So, you’ll have to excuse me for getting all excited about reading this week’s edition of The Epoch Times.

It’s one of my newest loves in life, predominantly because it’s free and makes me feel all scholarly when I read it. That and I’m deprived of anything with any joy at the moment, especially the free stuff. For those of you who’ve never read The Epoch Times, it’s essentially a multi-language free newspaper that originates from China. Despite its origins, it’s pretty well put together and offers a decent insight into those worldly issues you might not have found out about otherwise. There’s no sports page mind, and the Chinese have failed to grasp the traditional English page 3 etiquette – instead opting for a story about the changes within the Ukraine Constitution. Snazzy. Perhaps I’m growing up, or perhaps this is as exciting as my life gets now that I’m researching slow cooker recipes at midnight instead of googling pictures of Sharon Stone and making my socks all soggy.

In a week lacking in anything remotely interesting, I became rather intrigued as I read ‘New planet near Earth may be habitable’. Some rather brainy scientists (who no doubt also read The Epoch Times like my good self) have discovered a whole new planet with land, water and even gravity believing it could well be somewhere habitable. It even has a day and night, with temperatures varying between minus thirty one and minus ten degree Celsius –which by my calculations would put it at about the same temperature as my downstairs toilet. It is thought to be the first ‘Goldilocks planet’. Yep, let me just clarify, ‘Goldilocks planet’ is as stupid a reference as you’re already thinking it is – the Planet isn’t too hot, it isn’t too cold, it’s just right.

Even in hard times like we’re having right now, rest assured that there’s another spot nearby that we can all hop over to should we need the extra space. Although, when the author of the article suggests that this new planet, Gilese 581g is nearby I have to question whether she’s ever travelled on public transport. Given that it is in fact 117.5 trillion miles away, I’ll stick my neck out and say that it’s going to be a pretty long trek. I’m not even sure we can fly that far can we, let alone inhabit the place. Having said that, if they need someone to start a new colony over there, then I am categorically putting myself forward. What better person to start off a new civilisation? I’m already acclimatised to the weather conditions, what with my midnight trips to the downstairs toilet. I don’t need a lot to get started, just a camp fire, some water purifiers and perhaps my hair straighteners. Oh and maybe to get the population thing going quickly, perhaps Cheryl Cole. And some Rohypnol.

You can find even more witticisms from Teddy over at the Calm Down Dearest page on Facebook. Just make sure you dash back over here every Wednesday, ok?