Calm Down Dearest // Detrimental Benefits

I’m not normally one to get all political on your asses but finally, after much deliberation by our ‘beloved’ coalition government I am pleased to say that they’ve made a welcome addition in an attempt to help ease their huge budget deficit. Or at least, that was my initial reaction when I first read a head line this week saying “Unemployed Families Face Cap on Benefits”. Ruddy excellent I thought, about time these sponging sods had their monies reduced and were actually offered some incentive to work.

I have been especially riled today as I had the opportunity to speak with someone who has fathered eight children. He’s never worked. Ever. He’s done so little work in fact, that he likes to boast about it. Without working a single hour in his life he’s managed to raise eight children. Although, I dare say his interpretation of ‘raising children’ may well differ to mine. So, what better way to brighten my small non-political focused world when I read that welfare payments were being slashed. Oh but wait, what the government is actually saying is that middle class parents will lose out on child benefits by 2013. Well, what a lovely reward for working that will be.

Now I know that we need to save money – hell I reckon I’ve got more in my current account than poor old George Osbourne has to play with (and that’s the measly sum of £5.47 to last me until pay day on Friday), but I think they’re having a bit of a laugh at all us ‘normals’. These so called ‘slashses’ will see unemployed families lose £93 a week. I’m liking the sound of that bit already. Sadly though, these figures are grossly misleading. If, like me, you consider yourself to be in the normal bracket of society – neither a peasant, nor filthy stinking rich then you may well be tempted to pack up your job right this minute and start relentlessly humping your loved one. For why you ask? Well, because (and bare in mind that this is a cut) the unemployed family limit will be capped to a ‘pathetic’ £500 per family. £500 per month? Nope. £500 per week!! £500 per week for being unemployed, incapable of finding a job and a shitty parent to boot.

George Osbourne has got himself a little erection at the fact that by cutting this funding he can save the Treasury £1 billion a year. Fuck me George, I can give you a full stonking hard on by saving you thrice as much. How about giving these unemployed losers £50 a month, or better still give them a trolley worth of goods having done a supermarket sweep round Lidl for the bare essentials. Just think how much we could save then? Plus, at least that way the children themselves might actually benefit from tax payers money. I think their parents might struggle trying to inject a beef joint into their femoral vein.

I had initially thought Mr Cameron was the man for the job, but then he opens his mouth and things just blurt out; “as we pay down the deficit we have to ask better-off families, those with the broadest backs, to bear a fair share of the burden”. Well Mr Cameron, we shouldn’t have to. No more than I would ask you to suck on my scrotum. You wouldn’t want to. Now don’t get me wrong, I will happily help out those that are in need, but not those who’ve never worked a day on their life, never intend to and in fairness to them have no incentive to. The thought of a £2000 a month income without having to work and study is rather appealing. I rather fancy staying at home today… anyone for some baby making?

You can find even more witticisms from Teddy over at the Calm Down Dearest page on Facebook. Just make sure you dash back over here every Wednesday, ok?