Calm Down Dearest // Our Animal Loving Nation

I’m a little confused this week as I don’t quite understand what has happened to the whole animal loving nation. What has changed? Don’t we as a country still love adorable little cats? Cuddly little dogs? For years that’s what we’ve been renowned for. But times are a changing – we are slowly turning into a nation of arseholes. I’ve no doubt that we’ll soon be eating dog too.

It was a few weeks back when it dawned on me that our once loving nation had since turned evil. That revelation only really came to light when the wheelie bin woman took the media by storm. When I initially saw the CCTV footage of the deranged mentalist lobbing the cat into the wheelie bin I wasn’t sure whether to laugh or cry (rather predictably, I laughed). I mean she really did put an actual living cat into an actual wheelie bin. What on Earth possessed her to do that? I’m pleased to say that she has however been brought to justice. I’m also pleased to see that she had numerous death threats for her disgraceful behaviour. Good times.

Alas, this week brought about another example of animal cruelty – but this time with a more entertaining slant – the cruel, yet hilarious colouring of a cat – beautifully dyed Pink. It’s the perfect accessory for every wag wannabe and, so the Vets say, by no means harmful to the cat itself. So it begs the question, why are they making such a fuss? It’s not the nicest colour to be dyed I’ll give you that, but it hasn’t actually hurt the cat has it? We need to have a specific line that we can cross I think. Putting a cat in a wheelie bin, now that’s just cruel but dying it pink? Is that cruel? I really need to know where the land lies, as not that I’m wholly suspicious, but every time I see a black cat in future I’m going to squirt it with bleach. That’ll teach the evil voodoo stuff.

And then, as if there hadn’t been enough ‘petism’ in the media in recent weeks, there was a further act of hatred. This man was caught on CCTV leaving behind his dog whilst walking swiftly away.

Now, ordinarily I wouldn’t laugh – but the dog had a gammy leg and could barely even hobble after him. I’m happy to say that the dog has been re-homed, but come on – you can’t just ditch a dog because it’s got a wonky walk. It isn’t fair to laugh at animals with disabilities really as disabilities aren’t funny… unless they’re on other people.

So when my friend posted an update on Facebook earlier this week asking for suggestions on what to call her new cat, her other friends proposed for the classics such as ‘Fluffy’, ‘Cuddles’ and the like. Personally, I opted for the ingenious use of, Mr Meowgi. I was still revelling in the glory of my own name creation when I was altogether destroyed by a suggestion from a friend of hers. “Why don’t you just call her ‘Wheelie Bin’?” Ah touché Mr unknown Facebook genius. Touché.

Funny as it all may be, please can we return to being the animal loving nation now please?

You can find even more witticisms from Teddy over at the Calm Down Dearest page on Facebook. Just make sure you dash back over here every Wednesday, ok?