Calm Down Dearest // Hell Bound

If you didn’t already know, Pope Benedict XVI is to visit Britain from 16th to 19th of September 2010. Don’t get too excited but that means his holiness will be rocking up tomorrow! It’s the first papal visit since 1982 – sweet mother of God that’s exciting isn’t it? No. No it’s not. In fact, it is thee crappest thing I’ve heard all week. I’ve even heard rumours that his little shindig over here is going to cost us as a country twelve million pounds (although, I’m sure that can’t be right… can it?). Never mind Cameron sending you a very warm welcome Benny, I only have one thing to say to you – Boooooooooooooo!

Despite thinking that this whole visit is a complete waste of time and money, I’d still rather like to meet the Pope. Even if it was just to apologise to his holiness and ask for his forgiveness because I fear that I might be going to Hell. I shall tell you for why. Last year I went on holiday to Italy and whilst I was there I had the pleasure to visit Venice, which can I add, isn’t nearly as nice as you might think. It actually stinks. Anyway, so there I was in Venice walking around St Mark’s Square with my girlfriend when we decided to have a look around St Mark’s Basilica – the mother of all Cathedrals. It was quite simply one of the most beautiful and breathtaking buildings I have ever seen in my life, it truly was. As we walked around inside I was amazed at the vast paintings that spanned the entire walls. Everyone was impeccably quiet – you could have literally heard a pin drop. I think everyone was so in awe of the architecture, the ambience and perhaps even the presence of God. It really did feel like a genuinely special building. As we wondered through the building in complete silence there were even a few people knelt down praying next to me whilst others gazed upon the incredibly striking statues. It was at that point, as I was innocently mooching around that something terrible, and I mean terrible happened to me. Paaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrp! Oh noooooo. I actually farted in the house of God; a proper long raspy one as well! I’m going to Hell. It’s completely unavoidable, I did something wholly sacrilegious and I’m Hell bound.

Although, now I come to think of it that’s not the worst thing anyone’s ever done in a church is it? I mean, it’s not like I’m as bad as some of the members of clergy is it? My sin was but a mere trump. I didn’t ejaculate into a small boy’s face or anything…