Calm Down Dearest // Gym’ll Fix It

It’s about time, in an effort to man myself up, that I got fit. So, this week I’ve officially signed up to my local gym. That’s right; I’m stupid enough to allow them to take a £31.50 direct debit out of my account each month in return for sweet FA. With the best will in the world, I’ll probably fail miserably. In fact, I urge you all to challenge me on a regular basis to find out if I have been putting my money to good use, or whether I’ll just waste those twelve instalments until I get the opportunity to cancel it.

I quite like the idea of being a gym member. It’s kind of like a little exclusive club that I’m now a part of… only, I think I’m the only 6’3” pale gangly fellow there. Having put on my gym kit the other day, I couldn’t help but think that I actually looked like a 12 year old girl. I mean, there are some proper machines at the gym – proper muscle bound freaks and ones that will no doubt bully me off the equipment. After all, if I stand sideways then they probably won’t be able to see me using it because I’m so scrawny. When I went in the other day, there were all these meatheads in there just pumping iron, looking at themselves all oily in the mirror and sat thinking “Ohhhh yeeeeah”. Although despite me tensing up my little pigeon chest… I’m not actually ashamed to be so slender, nope. It’s quite something to boast that if I were a woman, I’d probably be a size 0 (in your face women) and that I’d have sexy legs – just a tad hairy. But, cross dressing aside, it’s time to get fit. As I say to my fat housemate, he really needs to turn that A into an I. The fatty.

Though, I think I might have developed some sort of phobia of the gym already. I’m a tad worried that these meatheads are going to be thinking “Er, what’s this child doing in the gym?”, before I go over and politely ask “can I borrow this weight?”, before they pick it up with ease, pass it to me and I’m forced to drag it along the floor. Is it just me with this new phobia of the gym and general gymyness? Or I am just looking for even more reasons not to go…?

If by some miracle you happen to see my sweating it out at the gym, do me a favour will you? Can you pick up the weight for me that I’m dragging along the floor? Many thanks.

You can find even more witticisms from Eddie over at the Calm Down Dearest page on Facebook. Just make sure you dash back over here every Wednesday, ok?