Unless you’ve been in a coma for the past few months there’s absolutely no way you can’t have heard that the World Cup is starting this Friday. If you have been in a coma, then I can only wish you a speedy recovery. You’ll be saddened to hear though that neither David Beckham or Rio Ferdinand are able to play due to injuries, but other than that we are shaping up quite well. Equally, if you’re a male who’s been fit and healthy and still hasn’t heard the World Cup is about to start then we must send out a search party right away to try and find your penis.
The build up to the World Cup this year has been no different to any other. There’s been a whole host of crap songs, a huge dollop of optimism and naturally, the opportunity for the true racists in our society to shine. No more so then the thousands of complete idiots who joined a Facebook group thinking that the police were going to ban England shirts and flags. If there’s one thing I hate in life, it’s racists and idiots. Racists are born stupid and believe such rubbish as printed by The Sun just so they can support their own fictitious ideas on race and religion. The police aren’t going to ban anyone from wearing an England shirt you narrow minded, gullible dreg of humanity.
Now that we’ve sorted out that minor issue that was going to spoil the World Cup, there’s only really one other problem the majority of us are going to have for the next four weeks – the girlfriend. How can we appease the Mrs so that she doesn’t ruin the best month of our lives? Some will argue that it’s ok as their girlfriend likes football – utter tosh; even if she were to like it then we all know there’s nothing more embarrassing than your Mrs squealing in the pub when a goal goes in. Women get twelve weeks a year to make our lives a living hell and us men are only asking for a mere four… although I appreciate I probably won’t be bleeding quite as much. If you want my advice (which you probably don’t) then simply do what I’m doing – I’ve printed out a complete World Cup fixture list and highlighted all of the games where I’m busy. At least this way my girlfriend cannot complain that I’ve ‘double booked’ her as she knows perfectly well to check the fixture list before attempting to see me. The ones highlighted in yellow are the England matches where I’ll be busy getting outrageously drunk in a pub and the ones in green are the other matches where I’ll be busy sat watching in my pants and eating Doritos’s. Simple.
Despite not being filled with pride for our team of men who can’t help but cheat on their hot wives, start fights in bars or get underage girls pregnant, I still believe… And so should you.
Come on England!
You can find even more witticisms from Eddie over at the Calm Down Dearest page on Facebook. Just make sure you dash back over here every Wednesday, ok?
Jamie H
June 11, 2010
great idea!! im doing the same to my gf lol