Calm Down Dearest // Toilet Etiquette

I’m sure those that have read Calm Down Dearest over the weeks appreciate that I’d much rather stay away from toilet humour – kind of. Well, this week I’m afraid I have to delve to those very depths as a conversation with a good friend of mine led me to be a little confused. We touched on a few issues, so I can only apologise in advance.

It’s a problem that I’m guessing won’t be shared between the sexes and I daren’t ask any girls I know for fear of them thinking I’m into some sort of coprophilia. Before you start, it’s got nothing to do with two girls and a cup either. The issue we first talked about was that we weren’t fully convinced we could sit down on a toilet seat for a wee like girls do. I’m not trying to give a lecture on toilet etiquette here, but generally speaking men are merely required to lift up the seat and do their thing where as girls sit down for both number one and two. I obviously could sit down, but that’s not the actual concern. It’s whether or not I’d be able to stop my bowels from thinking it was their turn. How on earth do girls not let out a little bob conker each and every time they go for a wee? Seriously, I’m not convinced it’s possible… Or at least, not for boys anyway. The bowels would simply think it’s time to do their thing through the years of conditioning. That little dilemma adds to my growing toilet related concerns as I’m still yet to find the answer to another of life’s little conundrums. How, when I’ve just had a marathon wee but then realised I actually need to poo, can there still be more wee in me to trickle out as I’m sat there? I’m afraid people, I just don’t understand it. We also discussed another little mystery I’ve never quite understood too. Why can’t it be socially acceptable for boys to share toilet cubicles? What exactly is the etiquette for girls sharing one when a girl needs to have a quick little plop, or accidentally does a nervous trump? Do girls look away, do they pass them tissues or is it merely polite conversation about potpourri? It all makes me feel rather sick.

So there you have it, an insight into the scholarly thinkings that I share with my friends. I’m proud to say we we’re perfectly sober when we talked about them and we did raise some interesting points I’m sure you’ll agree. Still, if anyone does know the answers then I’d love to hear them. In fact, whilst we’re on the subject of toilets I think I’ll take this opportunity to address the serial pan soiler at my work. It’s an ongoing problem that simply won’t go away and quite frankly it’s affecting my health. You know who you are. Go see a doctor with your inverted colon or something will you, because anyone who has those pebble dashing attributes is ill… violenty ill. It isn’t right that I keep walking into the trap at work and finding your arse all over the place. Sort it out. You don’t seem to grasp that you should clean up after yourself when you devastate the toilet. I have to use it after you, you fuck.

You can find even more witticisms from Eddie over at the Calm Down Dearest page on Facebook. Just make sure you dash back over here every Wednesday, ok?