Having got myself all geared up for a whole host of beers, an epic football match and untold debauchery around the bars of Leeds, my weekend ended up being down right dull. I’d had it all planned out, only for it to be foiled by those bastards wearing white and having the audacity to call themselves the England football team. Beat Algeria? Pah, playing like that they couldn’t beat an egg. Never mind whether Capello got the tactics wrong, what drove many to boo was the sheer lack of passion. Thus, in a valiant attempt to rile up the England boys for their must win game I’m writing this open letter to the team. Should we go on to win the World Cup, you can thank me afterwards. That’s when we’ll know that they’ve read it and I’m pretty sure that this will have made all the difference.
Dear Fabs and my fellow Englishmen,
First off let’s stop thinking of any potential excuses. Us common English peasants care not about the ball swerving, how round it is or indeed the fact you’ve never played with it before. We care not, because you have played with a football before and you have played with penny floaters too. The ball can hardly be blamed for a lack of passion. Secondly, don’t be thinking that you can blame the lack of WAG action either. Yes I understand that you haven’t had sex for months – join the club, it’s called being in a long term relationship. Think yourselves lucky that when you do get to have sex on your birthday or at Christmas that it’s with the stunner you bagged purely because you can kick a ball. Us normal folk have to settle for the non-model version of women and so despite looking disabled I still envy you (yep, you Crouchy). We’ve all been on a sex ban before so I’m sure you can manage by just throwing it down the plug hole like the rest of us. It’ll see you through for a few more weeks at least.
It’s time to stand up and be counted for. You’re meant to wear that shirt and play with pride. England is the great nation that stood fast against Hiter’s Germany, gave the world a shared language and ruled it as the British Empire. Historically we’re great. Not so much recently I’ll admit, but give us something to be proud of. I’m fed up of benefit cheats, dole grabbers, ADHD and other fantasy illnesses for kids that can’t behave. I don’t want to hear anymore MP’s lies or rapists being let out for early release. I want a reason to be proud to be English and not one that’s 44 years old. If you boys aren’t willing to pull your finger out, then let me know and I’ll grab my boots. Yes, I’ll be shit – but at least I’ll try. That’s all we as a country ask of you and given that you all get treated like gods, it’s all we deserve. England, this is your moment.
You can find even more witticisms from Eddie over at the Calm Down Dearest page on Facebook. Just make sure you dash back over here every Wednesday, ok?