I was fairly certain on first hearing about/seeing the bands/artists on this list that they were a massive piss-take. I never for a minute took their image, lyrics etc with any serious tone, but was quite swiftly shell-shocked to realise that they were 100% real and that a plethora of A&R, PR, record labels, management and press had wasted time and money on pushing them to the masses. Much like my lack of understanding when it comes to Scouting For Girls fans and the people that saw marketability in their act, I don’t think I will ever comprehend the thought process that lead to someone writing a cheque to sign the following 4 acts.
#1 // The Darkness
Back in 2003 whilst enjoying a beer and biscuit at a mate’s house, someone turned on Kerrang TV and out of the abyss came the video for ‘I Believe In A Thing Called Love’, I sat stunned and eagerly waited for the moment when the song cut out, to reveal some sort of semi-funny Kerrang hair metal mockery advert…thing. Three and half minutes later it dawned on me that I’d just watched a genuine music video. After a quick Yahoo search (it was 2003) I found that in fact The Darkness were a 4 piece “hard rock” band from Lowestoft making a totally serious attempt to bring back Hair Metal. What’s worse is, other people in the room lapped this shit up, as did a lot of the public. The lead singer looked like the entirety of Poison had sicked up on cat and strapped a guitar to it, and they sound like the 80’s frantically banging on my front door while common sense and modern decorum rape it frantically from behind.
#2 // Insane Clown Posse
You dont know how seriously people take the Juggalo/Insane Clown Posse stuff. There’s a huge following for this rap duo and the mythology of the Dark Carnival, which the duo claim is a spiritual force that has revealed a series of stories known as Joker’s Cards. These stories each offer a specific lesson designed to change the “evil ways” of listeners before “the end consumes us all.” First off their name sounds like the ultra, mega, rad and keerayzee name a 8 year old would pick for his playground rap group, to make it worse they’re rapping actually sounds like it was written by an 8 year old, swearing every other word and talking solely about murder, because that’s edgy, duh! Ever heard an 8 year old swear? They just pick all the swear words they have heard recently, but don’t know the meaning of and shout them. I think I once got told by a young ruffian “and I’ll call you by your name dick-anus, cuz I cant give two shits and a fuck”. Oh-no wait, I remember, that’s an ICP Lyric from their acclaimed 1997 hit single ‘Hocus Pocus’ that was released on Def Jam. DEF JAM! – Come on. Does it get worse? On their 5th studio album they reveal the that the whole Dark Carnival thing is actually God…and they are massive Christians; Christians who constantly swear, talk about murdering people, cannibalism and necrophilia… I’m lost.
#3 // N-Dubz
Swaggering London kids – check. Name with cool edgy “Z” at the end – check. Baggy-ass jeans – check. Dark glasses that we refuse to take off – check. OK, lets add something wacky as well to give us an edge… What about an off the wall hat? Oh my god, that too; and N-Dubz was born! Much like the somewhat failed juvenile attempts to be edgy and dark by the ICP, all attempts by the Dubz to produce anything that doesnt sound like a year 7 class project, fail epicly. Is it actually singing/rapping when you make no effort to be creative with lyrics and just dictaphone your mates arguments then call it a song. Honestly just read the lyrics to ‘You Shoulda Put Something On‘ or ‘Say It’s Over‘. I could strut into any McDonalds car park on a Friday night, launch a dictaphone into any random Corsa and produce these lyrics.
#4 // Scooter
I’m fairly certain no-one at their label has listened past the first bar of any of their songs. They hear the first four beats, judge the tempo, maintain that’s it’s “hard dance enough” and approve it. If anyone actually kept listening they would be met with a wall of bullshit so thick it’s unbelievable; I ended up getting wedged in to this metaphorical wall whilst researching this article. I bought a massive fur parker, shouted manically about being the supa dupa, the hard rhymer, the track attacker, the mic enforcer, the chicks checker and basically trying as hard as I can to get my posse on the floor for the hardcore raving! 26 million people have invested time and money in Scooter’s albums, they are Germany’s biggest selling musical artist ever. But despite all this I’m confident that someone will turn around and reveal that this is just a joke gone too far. Honestly, it’s like they took a semi retarded ex-con gave him one drum and told him to bang it until he convinced the world it was music, all the time using his limited vocabulary to express the base emotions he has just learnt to express at age 40. I bet the same jokesters responsible for this also made that Meerkat advert.