Calm Down Dearest // General Erection 2010

It’s election week this week. On Thursday 6th May we are blessed with the opportunity of enriching our lives for the foreseeable future by voting for the party that’s inspired us the most throughout their election campaign. Who will I be voting for? Well, it’s not a decision I’m going to be able to make very easily. In fact, I’m completely bemused by the whole thing.

It’s fair to say each party has a policy or two that I like, but the rest I’m not too fussed about. It isn’t really the policies that get me all that excited if I’m honest with you. What I really want from a party, is a leader – someone with some actual testicles, some big meaty cojones. What we’re actually being offered is a choice out of three completely fictional and inept characters that wouldn’t know reality if it crept up their arse and buggered them senseless. I might sound a tad sour, but it is a genuine concern of mine – if the parties themselves can’t find someone even remotely decent to front their party, then I don’t see why I should want them to front our country either.

Looking at it objectively, here’s a mini run down of the main choices:

Gordon Brown started university studying history at the age of 16 and he’s only got one working eye. David Cameron studied at Oxford and is a direct descendant of King Henry IV (the king is his great great great great great grandfather who knocked up some slag called Dorothea Jordan). The other option is Nick Clegg, who despite having the world’s most boring name once performed community service in Germany for setting fire to a collection of cacti that belonged to his professor. So there we have it; a partially sighted geek, a king’s dirty love child or a pyromaniac with a name that sounds as though it would be better suited as an STD. As if those three aren’t enough, the local politicians only get worse. I’ve had some leaflets through my letterbox today kindly sporting the mug shots of a few of them. My local BNP candidate looks like a typical lorry driver – a racist, homophobic brute and my local Lib Dem is surely banned from living near schools. I want someone brazen, someone without fear; someone who will just say whatever comes into his head and roll with it. But seriously, if you’re really struggling when deciding who to vote for this week, then simply follow the advice of my intellectual girlfriend – she says she’s voting for Nick Clegg because he’s the best looking one (she’s a nice lass, but she’s thick as fuck).

If that’s the case I’m voting for Brown; not specifically because he’s the best looking but because I want to shag him with my big political erection until he bleeds out of his only working eye… well, it’s only fair to shaft him like he’s shafted our country. Cheers Gordy.