Calm Down Dearest // Like It

It’s come to my attention this week that people are once again trying to make themselves ‘cool’. We’ve all seen it over the past few years and I can’t help but think that the whole process is becoming rather tedious. A few years back hordes of people were signing up to MySpace, competing to create the biggest friends list they could through the use of deceptive pictures that made even fat girls look slim – you know the shot, the one where you hold the camera above your head and look up at it? (If you’ve ever done that… you’re fat, deal with it). As the MySpace phase soon died down people began jumping ship onto Facebook as apparently, I was told “it’s the new MySpace”. It begged the question, what exactly was wrong with the old one?

Near enough everyone jumped ship and took Facebook under their wing. It’s almost like MSN was back in the day when thirteen year old boys were bang at it trying to coax girls into strumming their banjo on a webcam, only Facebook doesn’t have such a useful function. It’s designed purely for stalkers and socialites with nothing better to do. Which is why, whenever I’ve got a spare five minutes you can find me trawling through photos of a person wearing fancy dress that I’ve never met before in an album titled “OMG – KeRaZy drinking Part 1 of 7,312”.

So where else can we actually go for the next fad? Seen as we’re running out of ideas I propose returning back to MSN – that way, I can end my £4.99 monthly subscription to slickcams.com. Sadly, I’ll have to keep paying for it as it appears that the next ‘in’ thing has already arrived. What is the latest craze to annoy me? People deactivating their Facebook account. Uber cool yes? No, it’s not if you plaster it all over your Facebook status in an effort to get your 1,245 friends to beg you to stay. On a daily basis I’m reading people’s status saying ‘only got 26 days left until I’m leaving Facebook’. Fuck off already will you. Stop making a song and dance about it and just leave. Hopefully this Facebook thing can be better off without your types anyway. I won’t have any more invitations to join groups where if it gets one million members it will cure AIDS (it won’t, it’s a proper bad illness). Nor will I have requests to swap a ‘whole armadillo’ for a ‘slightly soiled mafia boss gimp mask’ so that someone can rotate their crops. I don’t even know what that means. Calm Down Dearest thinks your parents are siblings (that’s right, they’ll miss writing about themselves from a third person perspective too).

I urge you, if you do see someone on Facebook trying to play the latest cool card by deactivating their account and shouting it from the roof tops via a status update, comment for them to fuck off will you? I certainly will be doing.

Oh, and don’t forget to ‘like’ it.