Calm Down Dearest // Eyjafjallajoekull

Eyjafjallajoekull. No, I haven’t just slapped my floppy cock on the keyboard, that’s the official name for the world’s most disruptive volcano. Besides, if I had have slapped my penis on the keyboard, it would be more likely just to say ‘grh’, a mere three letters.

For the record, I’m told that it’s pronounced ay-yah-FYAH-plah-yer-kuh-duhl. However, seen as though when I say it I sound like I’ve got a clef palette, I’m just going to shorten it Joe Kull – see what I’ve done there? Joe Kull has caused utter chaos this past week, wreaking havoc on flights across the globe and not to mention the expected economic impact of £1.4 billon to the industry. We’ve seen families stranded abroad and a whole host of questions as to whether insurance companies will actually pay out for such an ‘act of God’.

I know people that are stuck in Australia who can’t get a flight back for another four weeks and then here I am, stuck at home in rainy old England having to do university work. Imagine if I’d been stuck abroad – “so Eddie, what’s your excuse this week? Dog eaten your assignment again?” nope, much better than that Miss, a volcano erupted and I couldn’t get home! The best part of it is these people are genuinely complaining that they’re stuck on holiday! Get a fucking grip will you? You’re on an indefinite holiday where your employers can hardly turn round and stop your pay so just speak nicely to the bank manager or go wash a few pots in exchange for some food. Opportunities like this don’t come round that often, especially seen as Joe Kull last erupted in 1821 when it was hardly going to disrupt your transport needs all that much. Well, unless the lava rolled over your horse that is. If anyone reading this is stuck abroad, then go have yourself a little adventure. Stop worrying and fretting about money; go earn some food and shelter so that you can enjoy the sunshine. If the worst comes to the worst, you can always rent out your arse. I would.

Volcanologists aren’t able to predict when the eruptions might cease and think that they could even continue for months. Err… why exactly aren’t the planes flying again? I’m no expert, but I reckon you could just fly the planes above the ash cloud right? Apparently not – my limited and pretty poor research tells me the ash can cause the engines to shut down mid air. That would be bad.

Generally speaking, these sorts of situations always bring out the best in British people. There has been a hell of a lot of news footage over the past week but nothing better than when I was watching Sky News – a tourist was being interviewed and then all of a sudden a random Scottish drunk burst onto screen shouting “I hate Iceland” in a broad Glaswegian accent. Good work son, you’re now plastered all over youtube for your well thought out rant. My favourite bit of detail about it though? The drunk was wearing a top sporting ‘hooters’ on the front. Classy.

So here we are; there’s global disruption all around us being caused by a volcano that we can’t even pronounce the name of and we don’t even know how long it will carry on churning out the ash. Stand aside Germany and Iraq, we have ourselves a new country to hate… Iceland – the country that brought us the Eyjafjallajoekull death cloud, the global financial crisis and worst of all, that minger Björk. We have a lot to hate them for.