Calm Down Dearest // Dancing On Thin Ice

What do you people actually get up to on an evening these days? I know for a fact people aren’t going to their local for a few pints, as every day another pub closes down and becomes a playground for the homeless. People aren’t attending theatre like they used to, else there wouldn’t be all of these artistic grants from the government. I’m almost sure, judging from my own relationship, that people don’t have sex anymore and of course not everyone can own a Playstation. Even those that do probably aren’t allowed to play on Call of Duty when their girlfriends are in the house. So what on earth are people doing?

Having spent an evening with the parents this week, I found out. Just as I’d thought, my father wasn’t playing on a Playstation (he couldn’t even use my Sega Megadrive back in the day) and thankfully nor was he performing cunnilingus on my mother when I walked in. Instead, they both were slumped in their respective armchairs slightly dribbling from the mouth. Christ on a bike! What are the chances of both my parents having a stroke on the same day!? It turns out very slim, as they were in fact just sleeping in front of the television. Now I appreciate that they’re getting old, but I always thought the idea of the TV was that you watched something engaging and it entertained you, rather than forcing you to sleep? We all pay a TV licence and on a weekly basis we are subjected to Dancing on Ice, Strictly Come Dancing, Americas Hottest Dance Crew, Got to Dance, So You Think You Can Dance and the list goes on. Can you believe that last week over 7 million people tuned in to watch ‘Let’s Dance for Sports Relief’? I hate them all, with a passion.

There’s no wonder people are forced to sleep whilst watching TV these days. Even the BBC has lowered itself like never before. It caused me to laugh rather inappropriately as I walked in to see my parents watching, and I kid you not, “Dancing on Wheels”. Yep, wheels. Some chief executive clearly thought we haven’t got enough dancing shite on our televisions, so decided it was about time to make a disabled, wheel chair bound version of it. Now I know I shouldn’t laugh as having a disability isn’t funny, but it is me we’re talking about and I’m an awful human being. I once watched a Paralympics 5000m race where there was a terrible accident. One wheelchair flipped over and there was quite literally a pile up. I’m ashamed to say that I’ve never laughed so hard in my life when I saw all the bodies strewn across the track like fish out of water. It didn’t help when the commentator came out with “my goodness, gracious me there are wheelchairs and bodies laying all over the place”. The concept of Dancing on Wheels is simple; you have a fully mobile dancer and then a disabled person in a wheel chair. I can’t bring myself to refer to the latter as a dancer, purely because from what I saw it wasn’t actually dancing. Trust me, I know what dancing is, I’ve ‘dealt the cards’ before and indeed, ‘pulled the pint’. They weren’t dancing… they got span around in their wheelchairs an awful lot and waved their hands (or hand, in some cases).

Enough is enough! I don’t want to see any more dancing programmes. Simply adding the twist of a disability doesn’t make it a new show, it merely makes me an even worse person when I end up laughing at some cripple dressed in glitter and sequins.

You could pay me to think of programmes as degrading as that if you’d like? How about ‘Countdown for Dyslexics’, ‘Tetra-amelia Gladiators’ or better still ‘How to Look Good Naked: Chernobyl Special’. Please, let’s have no more of this crap… I’m already a sorry excuse of a person; don’t let the TV make me any worse!