Calm Down Dearest // Captain Planet

Having been sucked in recently by these ‘green’ folks telling me that I’m a polar bear killer, I thought for a minute that perhaps it was about time I at least tried to do something about it. Here starteth my healthy, go green, Captain Planet lifestyle changing reform. Earth! Fire! Wind! Water! Heart!

As a newly recruited Planeteer it’s time to concede that my car has been a bit of an ozone rapist for too long. It’s a thirteen year old machine that every time you turn the key kicks out a black cloud of dust that even Jack Shepherd and Sawyer would be scared of. So I’ve decided that enough is enough and not being one to do something half heartedly, I’ve sold it. I am now totally reliant on public transport. I’ve neither used nor even contemplated using peasant transport for about six years now, not since that incident involving the local homeless man, who had quite clearly soiled himself on the seat next to me. My normal journey to work takes an hour in the car, so I’ve had to swap that for a ten minute stroll to the train station and a quick ride on the rails.

As I walked to the station this week, I was surprised to see a long string of spritely males outside of a titty bar at six in the morning chatting to a stripper. They’d clearly had a good night and decided to top it off by having a pair of lovely squidgy tits in their face (fair play to the lads). I on the other hand, was strolling through the cold dark morning, with nothing but my man bag and magic gloves to keep me company. I was jealous of their drunkenness, their lad-ish banter and that they’d soon have their laps swamped in the stripper’s snail trail. I couldn’t help but think that the stripper would probably be called something slutty like Candy (mind you, if she was a proper slag, she’d probably spell it Kandi).

Once on the train, I made the decision to sit next to a respectable looking fellow; clean shaven, sharp suit with a gold wedding band. He seemed like a safe bet when weighing up the options for another round of ‘who do I sit next to on the train roulette’. Previously I’d splattered my brains across the wall playing said roulette when I innocently sat next to that man in a wheelchair (who’d of thought it would be him of all people that started to masturbate).

So there I sat next to Mr Safe as he tapped away on his Acer laptop when all of a sudden he burst out with a little giggle. Now, anyone that does a classic ‘lol’ on a train is asking for attention so I couldn’t help but have a peek at what he was doing whilst pretending to read my Metro newspaper. As I leant across ever so slightly I caught that he was conversing with a woman through MSN. From that short journey I learnt that she was 24 years old, a 34C and from what she said she wanted to do to him, I assumed she was either a bit loose or didn’t know about his wife yet. Maybe it was his wife, but I wouldn’t have thought he’d need to ask where she lived… or what her favourite position was? It turns out that Mr Safe has a particular fetish for being tied up. And Miss Loose doesn’t really like it “in the ass”.

This whole green campaign and travelling on public transport has turned out to be slightly more entertaining than expected. Yes, it takes a little longer than it would if I hadn’t sold my car and yes, I fear everyday playing the ‘who do I sit next to on the train roulette’, but without it my travels would be boring. Tomorrow, I’m hoping to sit next to Mr Safe again seen as he was promised some ‘hot pix’. Alternatively I’ll happily sit next to Kandi when she finishes her shift. That way she gets her turn at being the loser of ‘who do I sit next to on the train roulette’ when I start beating one off in the seat next to her.

Helping to cleanse the earth is one thing, but to get rewarded with such filth for my mind is another… I salute you Captain Planet.