Calm Down Dearest // 21st Century Valentines

With Valentine’s Day fast approaching this weekend, I have to call into question what is happening to the masculinity of society. In previous years I would have found writing this article much easier. I’d have simply directed a warning to all the gentlemen to go out right this instance and buy something in advance, thus avoiding the need to purchase the last available item from the Shell garage on their way home from work. After all, I’ve learnt from personal experience (bruising) that a frying pan is neither a romantic or suitable gift for your loved one on Valentine’s Day. The same goes for ironing boards. Apparently, such gifts as these contain (insert whiney voice of girlfriend here) “no thought whatsoever “and are actually deemed to be very chauvinistic. Well, in fairness to me they did contain a reasonable amount of thought that; a) I like fried breakfasts and b) the ironing basket is piling up.

So here’s the problem… I can’t just give this advice out quite so easily this year as it would seem that all men are intent on becoming 21st century metrosexuals. They all read Men’s Health, trim their pubic hair and wear clothes so tight they could cause a low sperm count. In days gone by it would have been the girls anchoring after the ultimate Valentine’s Day, but now these ‘she-men’ are pandering to their every need. Women are treated with a spa day or a weekend away in London, doubled up with a visit to the theatre to watch Dirty Dancing. Whilst all of these ideas are wonderful, they’re a bit… gay. Activities like that cost a fortune… especially seen as men only really want to stab relentlessly at a female’s crotch with their stiff bits in the hope of some light relief.

Whatever happened to those butch men with their beer bellies, slouchy jeans and grizzly beards matching their grizzly haired ball bags? We need men to be men! Not to give a toss about flowers, mix tapes or little picnics in the park.

Men, this Valentine’s Day I urge you to man up! Reform back into the selfish manly beings that you once were! Buy the worst bunch of flowers from the last stockist in town the hour before you’re set to see the girlfriend. Buy her those chocolates she can’t eat because of her nut allergy or better still, buy her absolutely nothing! Women know better these days than to expect anything from us, so it won’t cause any major heartache when she see’s you empty handed. In fact, why not be properly selfish like the good old days. Wrap up your penis in glittery paper and let her feast upon that this Valentine’s.

So what will I be doing this weekend for Valentine’s? Well, whilst the real men crack on with that I’ll stick to what I’m good at. I’ll be donning my tightest of jeans, straightening my hair and whisking my girlfriend away for romantic meal by candlelight.

Puff.